Stiletto Diaries

I Think I’ll Go Poke A Sleeping Bear With This Sharp Stick…

Posted on January 30th, 2006 in Does All Her Own Stunts, Emotional Angst, Polyamory

Yes I know that I have STILL not finished all the stories of the threesome weekend, and I do intend to tell the rest of it. But I have other things I want to talk about right now, that can’t wait until later, so try to put up with me until I get back to the good sex posts, LOL.

One of my worst [and sometimes best] personality traits is my inability to take anything at face value. I can’t help but over-analyze everything, picking it apart and examining it piece by piece. I have a hard time just living in the moment. I find it difficult to just enjoy experiences without wondering what it all means.

This is how my brain works. Always has, probably always will. I think, A LOT, about everything, all the time. The thinking only stops when I am asleep.

That is all well and good, except that sometimes I forget that not everyone thinks like me. Some people are able to just take things as they are (or appear to be). They don’t have this unnatural urge to dissect everything that happens to them, they can just be in a moment.

Now there are times that I can stop thinking an just enjoy myself, but as soon as the moment is over, I’m back at it with the thinking.

In case you are wondering where exactly this is going, I’m trying to make sense of it myself so just try to follow along and we can hope that I come to some sort of semi-logical conclusion eventually.

I want people to know that having an open marriage like this is really very fulfilling and wonderful and all that good stuff. It is also HARD and difficult and uncomfortable sometimes. It isn’t always fun, and sometimes I seriously consider putting a stop to the entire thing because I ask myself “Am I really cut out for this? Can I really do this without fucking everything up?”

I think a lot about the practical longevity of this sort of arrangement. I wonder where it is all going and what could be happening five years down the road. I have to keep reminding myself that we are still so new to this and that I should just try to enjoy myself without cluttering it up so much with unnecessary emotional things.

Why must I always be thinking?!?

Take this relationship I/we have with K. He and I talk a lot, get together a couple of times a week, and actually enjoy each others company even when we aren’t fucking. I enjoy spending time with him and I am pretty sure that the feeling is mutual. Still, I know that I am just entertainment until something better comes along, and sometimes that is pretty hard to swallow [although I realize that I could potentially be doing the same thing]. Rationally I know that there isn’t anything wrong with the whole situation. I guess that I just didn’t expect it to feel this way. I don’t know if I really expected anything, I think that I hoped I would be able to not think so much and just enjoy all the fun I’m having.

Sadly, there doesn’t seem to be a way to stop the thinking.

Is it better to not have any expectations in these situations? Is it better to assume that it’s just not going anywhere? That it doesn’t have to mean anything? Maybe even that I shouldn’t allow it to mean anything [at least to me]?

And what if I can’t do that?

*Sighs*

I am bitchy and extra-sensitive right now thanks to my period. I probably shouldn’t be allowed to blog for these five days, LOL, but here it is anyway.